Casualty (BBC1); Ghostboat (ITV1); The Queen At 80 (BBC1): 'Be careful," Charlie told his son as the ten-year-old climbed on his bike in Casualty.
This was a bit like wishing "bon voyage" to someone boarding Titanic. You just knew that the combination of boy and bike would end in tears, helmet or not.
Louis sneaked off to the bike park and duly collided with another boy. Both ended up in hospital so Charlie could give his son, nursing a cut leg, a good talking too.
He declared that the bike park was "dangerous" - but not half as dangerous as being related to a long-serving character in Casualty, whose relatives, friends and colleagues die with alarming frequency.
What, asked Charlie, was so terrible about being friends with Stuart? "He collects stamps," snapped Louis, who clearly believes that philately will get you nowhere (just as old jokes are often the best).
At least Louis isn't aboard the submarine HMS Scorpion, the Ghostboat in the new David Jason two-parter supernatural thriller.
This is the newly-knighted actor in serious mode. You can tell because he's grown a beard and doesn't call anyone a plonker. He's Jack Hardy, the only survivor when the Scorpion was lost in the Baltic Sea in 1943. Imagine everyone's surprise when the Scorpion resurfaces in 1981 in full working order but without anyone aboard. All very spooky, especially when there's talk about the devil's triangle, a relative of the Bermuda triangle where vessels mysteriously disappear.
Hardy can remember nothing about the sub's disappearance but is dragged along on a recreation of that final voyage nearly 40 years ago in the hope of jogging his memory.
It does more than that, triggering a series of mysterious happenings and unexpected deaths. All very Stephen King-ish and perhaps connected with the fact that an unusually high number of workers died during the building of the sub.
A firing exercise takes an unexpected turn when the dummy torpedoes turn out to be live and the sub is divebombed by old German fighter planes.
"I think maybe the past is breaking through," says grizzled seadog Hardy.
"By God, Jack, what does that mean?," replies his companion, echoing the thoughts of viewers, who must wait until the final episode tonight to find out.
Sir David told about getting knighted on Parkinson but was absent from The Queen At 80, a lightweight two-part celebration of HM's life from Andrew Marr.
The makers have got hold of royal home movies previously unseen in public but so far these amount to very little running time. Much of the hour was padded out with celebrities telling us how wonderful they think the Queen is. "Such a great governor of the country," said Barbara Windsor, while Sharon Osbourne thinks her an incredible woman for being "a wife, mum and queen at the same time". This is made easier because, unlike commoners, she has the money and back-up personnel to help run her life.
And were we supposed to feel sorry for her having to stand for 90 minutes during an Aston Martin drive-by or deliver a speech in the rain during a visit to Canada?
Far too long was spent encouraging Brian May to recall playing God Save The Queen on the roof of Buckingham Palace during the golden jubilee celebrations.
More analysis of the role of the Queen in modern times rather than May's guitar solo would have benefited the programme.
Published: 10/04/2006
