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Secrets of the mary Celeste
The Mystery Of The Mary Celeste: Revealed (five); How William Shatner Changed The World (five) : Mention the Mary Celeste and most people think of a ghost ship, without knowing much more about the story.
A licence to print money
Property Developing Abroad (five): Novice property developer Georgina earned the sort of praise you don't often hear on a TV programme like this. "You've done a fantastic job," presenter Gary McCausland told her.
This is a real big issue
Larger Than Life (five); Private Parts: The Trouble With My Vagina (five): Five's updated documentary on three people eating themselves to death was a powerful advertisement for dieting.
Seeking revenge in the land of fun
Funland (BBC2); The Worst Jobs In History (C4); The Booze Cruise III: The Scattering (ITV1): Any programme will be hard pushed to be as bizarre and freak-showish as Big Brother promises to be, but Funland is heading down the right alley.
Not really a team player
Bring Back... The A-Team (C4): A-Team actor Dirk Benedict wasn't confident that co-star Mr T would want to take part in a reunion with stars of the 80s series. "You'll never get Mr T, you have a better chance of getting George Peppard," he told presenter Justin Lee Collins.
All chums together
The Line Of Beauty (BBC2); The Umbrella Assassin: Revealed (five): Those suffering from withdrawal symptoms following the end of The Apprentice will have been heartened to hear the name "Badger" mentioned in Alan Hollinghurst's The Line Of Beauty.
Worth banging on about?
Boom Bang-a-Bang: 50 Years Of Eurovision (BBC1); Who Stole The World Cup? (C4): There can be no surprise why the UK didn't win the 1957 Eurovision Song Contest as the entry's lyrics proceeded thus: "Looking high, high, high, Looking low, low, low. Tell me why, why, why, Did she go, go, go?"
So, size rally does matter
Private Parts: The Trouble With Breasts (five); Larger Than Life: Miss Big And Beautiful (five): BREASTS, the narrator told us, are in our face all the time. This may have been wishful thinking on his part but there's no denying they can have a devastating effect.
Grim reminder of past evil
See No Evil: The Moors Murders (ITV1); Hannibal (BBC1): The fuss about whether it's right and proper to make a film about Moors murderers Ian Brady and Myra Hindley is likely to blind people to the fact that See No Evil is a very good piece of TV drama.
In sickness and in surgery
Bride And Grooming (five); Honey I Ruined The House (C4); All In The Game (C4): ROB and Tamara want a big white church wedding - and new noses.
Price right, show wrong
The Price Is Right (ITV1); The Man Behind The Da Vinci Code: Revealed (five): 'YOU'RE a big 'un, John," observed Joe Pasquale, addressing a contestant on the show that ITV1 is using to try to lure back viewers who've deserted to C4 along with Paul O'Grady at 5pm on weekday afternoons.
Chilling story of Ripper hoax
The Ripper Hoaxer: Wearside Jack (C4) Dan Cruickshank's Marvels Of The Modern Age (BBC2)
Sympathies just kept swapping
Wife Swap (C4): Jayne likes pink, partying and pointing out to partner Martin that she's the boss.
Putting your back into it
The Worst Jobs In History (C4); Krakatoa - The Last Days (BBC1): TONY Robinson was lying on his back with his feet in the air doing one of the worst jobs in the world.
Where eagles don't dare
New Street Law, C4: ONE of the great television disappointments of recent years was the axing of C4's excellent legal eagles drama North Square after a brief run.
Sadie's a Law unto herself
Eating With... Sadie Frost (BBC2): A FOOD programme isn't where you expect to hear all about actor Jude Law's bit on the side.
Sorry, but you've lost me
Lost (C4) : Anyone hoping that the opening double episode of the second series would make clearer the many mysteries at the heart of Lost will be sorely disappointed.
How to scandalise the establishment
The Impressionists (BBC1); Ultimate Force (ITV1): AS befits a drama about painters, The Impressionists looks as pretty as a picture.
Finding way out of a hole
Destination Lost (C4): I feel sorry for all those people who organised their lives so they could sit through the 20 or so episodes of the first series of Lost.
Housewives even more desperate
Suburban Shootout (five); Drug Trials - The Dark Side: This World (BBC2): THE women of Little Stempington are experts in domestic chores. Camilla proudly boasts that friend Lillian "can blow the door off a Smeg fridge without destroying so much as an organic vine tomato".
Getting real about mobsters
The Real Sopranos (C4): SOME of the biggest fans of the award-winning TV series The Sopranos were mobsters themselves, especially those who thought the show was based on them.
Naffness in mint condition
The Mint (ITV1) John Osborne And The Gift Of Friendship (five) - 'COME on Steve, we haven't got all night," the contestant on the phone was told.
Gay record set straight
Extraordinary People: Identical Quads (five), The Trouble With Gay Men (BBC3): AT least there was one thing in Simon Fanshawe's The Trouble With Gay Men that you could easily agree with - his assessment that he was becoming a grumpy old gay man.
Whi is the sharper shooter
Sharpe's Challenge (ITV1); Doctor Who (BBC1): Who would you rather have on your side in a tight spot - time-travelling Doctor Who or Napoleonic Wars hero Richard Sharpe?
Doctor in the house
Vital Signs (ITV1): I'm bored with my job. What kind of existence is sitting in front of a box all day watching programmes about people with freak medical conditions, police dramas and reality shows?
Blackmailed into the kitchen
Eating With... Oona King (BBC2); The Real Animal Farm (C4): Former MP Oona King's first job as a 14-year-old was short-lived. The manager sacked her on the spot when he learnt she was under age.
House Doctor: Inside And Out (five): Does Snuff Exist? (C4):The Lost World Of Friese-Greene (BBC2)
Teaching old dogs new tricks
New Tricks (BBC1); The Couple With 27 Children: Extraordinary People (five): Detective Amanda Redman and her old boys are back for more investigations and, despite the "new" in the title, New Tricks is more of the same old, admittedly entertaining, thing.
Melvyn tackles a wordy subject
12 Books That Changed The World (ITV1); Doctor Who (BBC1); The Incredible Journey Of Mary Bryant (ITV1): Melvyn Bragg in a sex shop and at a football match.
Life's not so sweet after sex
The Street (BBC1); How Not To Decorate (five): Jimmy McGovern's new drama series got off to a grim start.
Venting her spleen
Desperate Housewives (C4): SUSAN has a wandering spleen. Why can't she put it on a lead like anyone else?
Money can buy you happiness
I've Won The Lottery (ITV1) : Watching this round-up of National Lottery winners, you couldn't help asking yourself, 'what would I do if I won a lot of money?'.
Knives out in the kitchen
The Great British Menu (BBC2); The Boy With A Tumour For A Face (five) ; WHEN John Burton Race described a rival cook's offering as "the sort of dish even my wife could make", he wasn't serving out a compliment.
Sir DAvid delves deep
Casualty (BBC1); Ghostboat (ITV1); The Queen At 80 (BBC1): 'Be careful," Charlie told his son as the ten-year-old climbed on his bike in Casualty.
Humiliation is the best medicine
Grey's Anatomy (five); House (five): IT'S the first day for the new surgical interns at Seattle hospital and Meredith Grey is pushing a patient on a trolley from one part of the building to another.
'Til death did them part
Murder City (ITV1); Grand Designs (C4): NOTHING is guaranteed to put a damper on the big day more than a dead woman dropping on the bridegroom from a great height on the eve of the wedding.
Under Matron's beady eye
That'll Teach 'Em: Boys Vs Girls (C4) : Who needs the nanny state when television will raise your children?
Speaking their minds
Help Me To Speak (C4); Extraordinary People: The Girl Who Makes Miracles (five): 'Some, some, some, sometimes I fe, fe, feel like if I didn't stam, stam, stammer, I could do anything".
Initially, NCIS is barely OK
NCIS (five); Everyone Hates Chris (five): SHOWS with initials in the title are just loved by five. CSI, CSI: NY and the one that isn't afraid to be daring and use a real word CSI: Miami.
No place like home
Stairlift To Heaven (C4): Anyone who believes soaps don't reflect real life would've been surprised to find this documentary in The Trouble With Old People season mirroring events in Coronation Street at present.
Cilla's offal childhood
Eating With Cilla Black (BBC2); Alive: Back To The Andes (five): WHEN Cilla Black had a number one hit with Anyone Who Had A Heart, little did we know she was singing about one of her favourite foods.
No neat answers this time for TV experts
Don't Mess With Miss Beckles (BBC2) Adopt-a-Grandad (C4) : 'Am I in EastEnders? I've lost the plot. All I need is for Grant Mitchell to walk through that door and go, 'who do I need to sort out?'," said Yolande Beckles, reaching the end of her tether.
The gran who gave birth to a stone
The 46 Year Pregnancy: Extraordinary People (five); A For Andromeda (BBC4): When 26-year-old Zahra Aboutalib was rushed to hospital with excruciating labour pains, doctors ordered a Caesarean.
A local spot of trouble
Pinochet In Suburbia (BBC2); TV Heaven, Telly Hell (C4): THE officer on duty at the front office desk must have thought a madman had walked into the police station when he said he'd come to report an international torturer and mass murderer, adding: "He's just down the road."
Beware of De Wolfe
Footballers' Wives (ITV1); The Family Man (BBC1): NO sooner had Tanya Turner boarded the aircraft in Footballers' Wives than both she and her seat were in the reclining position. The nuts she wanted with champagne weren't in those fiddly little packets delivered by the flight attendant.
Not so sweet Sugar
The Apprentice (BBC2); Taggart (ITV1): Week five and Sir Alan Sugar must be getting worried. None of the would-be entrepreneurs being tested in The Apprentice are showing much sign of business acumen.
Teetering on the cliff edge
The Best Man (ITV1); Brian Sewell's Grand Tour (five)
A book fit for wives and servants?
The Chatterley Affair (BBC4); The Seven-Year-Old Surgeon: Extraordinary People (five): 'YOU may think," said the prosecuting counsel, "that sex is dragged in at every opportunity."
Still playing a with full deck?
Agatha Christie's Poirot: Cards On The Table (ITV1)
Confused? You will be
ArtShock: The Pervert's Guide To The Cinema (C4); ArtShock: What Price Art? By Tracey Emin (C4): Cast your mind back to the scene in Alfred Hitchcock's thriller The Birds in which hundreds of the feathered fiends fly down the chimney and attack a family in their living room.
The pets that are larger than life
Fat Pets (C4): WE'RE supposed to be a nation of pet lovers, but this documentary made us out to be more of a nation of pet killers.
The hunk, the artist and the bossy mother
A Good Murder (ITV1); Wilson (ITV1)
What a weight to go
The Woman Who Lost 30 Stone: Extraordinary People (five): Fantabulosa!: Kenneth Williams (BBC4):"This is the section of Connie's stomach removed," said the surgeon holding a bowl to the camera containing what looked like an enormous sausage.
Is this school a war zone?
Waterloo Road (BBC1); The Road To Guantanamo (C4): THE headmaster is on the roof of the school doing a very good impression of a man losing his mind.
Is this a wind-up?
The Armstrongs (BBC2); Dunblane: A Decade On (five): AS John McEnroe said under other circumstances, "You cannot be serious". Watching reality series The Armstrongs leaves me with the feeling that someone is having a laugh.
The refs who take a real kicking
The Truth About Referees (ITV1); Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (C4): 'WHEN I get tempered I feel like taking it out on someone. I tend to hit players, swear and spit at the referee," admitted the soccer player.
Raising doubts about DNA
The Twin Inside Me: Extraordinary People (five); Dalziel And Pascoe (BBC1): AS soon as Lydia Fairchild had given birth, DNA and blood samples were taken from both her and her baby by a witness to the delivery room. When the results of the tests came back, the scientific conclusion was that she couldn't possibly be the mother of the baby.
Breasts out... all in the name of art
A Very British Bollywood (BBC2): LOCATION manager Lee had mixed feelings about being given a part in a new movie. "They just told me I have to shave my buttocks," he said.
The woman at Harold Wilson's right hand
The Lavender List (BBC4); Natural World - The Iceberg That Sank The Titanic (BBC2): THE year is 1974 and Harold Wilson, back in No 10, had urgent matters on his mind. Not so much 25 per cent inflation as "where the hell has Ted Heath hidden the brandy?"
Time to spice things up a bit, Jimmy
Jimmy's Farm (BBC2); Love Lies Bleeding (ITV1); No Angels (C4); Thin Ice (BBC2): Jimmy's Farm is notable as the only series in which many of the cast get eaten. It sometimes seems like this is going to happen in Brat Camp but hasn't happened yet.
Kidding Mr Hitler
The Real Dad's Army (C4); The Real Rain Man: Extraordinary People (five): NAZI forces were gathering to invade England but our boys were ready to repel them - with potatoes.
Slutty little sister of the Wives
text to go hereFootballers' Wives Extra Time (ITV2); THE answer to the National Health Service's ills is at hand.
Bloodied but unbowed
Holby City (BBC1): Jane is lying on a hospital trolley on her way to theatre for an emergency heart by-pass operation. Suddenly another trolley bearing her husband pulls up alongside.
Nostalgia: it's not what it used to be
Life On Mars (BBC1); Bodyshock: Born With Two Heads (C4): One episode left and those of us who think Life On Mars is the best thing on TV are praying that doctors don't manage to bring Sam out of his coma. That means his alive self can stay in 1973 where he's trapped in a never-ending episode of The Sweeney.
Rituals past and present
The Celts (C4); One Tree Hill (C4): IF you want people to remember the good things about you when you've gone, then be sure to write them down.
Taking it on the Chin
The First Emperor (C4): 'There is a legend of a man who forged a nation," began the narrator and the heart sank at the prospect of another of those dramatised historical documentaries featuring experts pontificating, computer graphics and cut-price dramatic reconstructions.
All at sea without Marina
Through Hell And High Water (BBC1); Who Do You Think You Are? (BBC2): Three days into a week of TV documentaries about their 3,000 mile row across the Atlantic and yesterday oarsmen Ben Fogle and James Cracknell were only just taking to the water.
The job interview from hell
Selling Yourself (five) Love In A Foreign Climate (ITV1)
The boy who looks like an old man
Bodyshock: The 80-Year-Old Children (C4): Ali has thinning hair, arthritis and his brittle bones are becoming weaker and weaker.
It didn't take a sleuth to spot the stars
Agatha Christie's Marple (ITV1): AS soon as Joanna Burton declared that "nothing ever happens in the country", you could be certain that many awful events would follow. And, being a Miss Marple mystery, they would involve murder most foul.
Barking Ben and his barking owner
Pets Are People (BBC2); Kidnap Ronnie Biggs (C4): BEN is subject to dark moods and aggressive behaviour.
A grizzly bunch of youngsters
Brat Camp (C4); Natural World: Big Sky Bears (BBC2): WHO'D be a parent? Archie and Luke cause their mum lots of worry by getting up to all sorts of mischief - climbing trees, catching fish and eating ants.
A grizzly bunch of youngsters
Brat Camp (C4); Natural World: Big Sky Bears (BBC2): WHO'D be a parent? Archie and Luke cause their mum lots of worry by getting up to all sorts of mischief - climbing trees, catching fish and eating ants.
Revealing the healing power of herbs
Alternative Medicine: The Evidence (BBC2): Surviving Disaster: San Francisco Earthquake (BBC1)
Larger than life
Body Shock: Half Ton Man (C4); Megastructures (five): SIZE does matter whether you're eating yourself to death or building an artificial island resort so big it can be seen from space.
Several deaths on the file
Agatha Christie's Marple (ITV1); CSI: NY (five); Law And Order: Criminal Intent (five): UNEXPECTED as it was, celebrity skater John Barrowman being chucked off ITV1's Dancing On Ice wasn't the most shocking thing to be seen on television at the weekend.
From trivia to tragedy
GMTV (ITV1)
No headpine
Extraordinary Breastfeeding (C4) The World's Biggest Penis (C4) Rameses: Death Of The First Born (five)
When your manhood is a monster
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (five) Chopped Off (C4) The Perfect Penis (C4)
Will Fish get out of hot water?
Prison Break (five) Bodyshock: Curse Of The Mermaid (C4) After two episodes US import Prison Break is shaping up to be as preposterous as our very own Bad Girls.
Roaring and boring
Wild At Heart (ITV1) Lewis (ITV1) : Imagine the scene. ITV executives are meeting to find a series to fill the all-important 8pm slot on a Sunday evening.
Death wish of a dour doctor
House (five); Trading Faces: The Cindy Jackson Story (five): I KNEW Dr Greg House wasn't well - a bad case of hay fever was my diagnosis - but did he really just ask: "Is it still illegal to do an autopsy on a living person?".
When sex means certain death
Animal Attraction: Femme Fatales (five); Who Do You Think You Are? (BBC2): CILLA Black never warned contestants about this on Blind Date - males forced to trek 70 kilometres on a date, a rat-like marsupial dying from too much sex and a mating ritual that can find you breeding with your own daughter.
Cooks with a lot on their plates
Masterchef Goes Large (BBC2); Richard Hammond's 5 O'Clock Show (ITV1): "YUM, yum". You don't hear comments like that from judges on The X Factor or Dancing On Ice. Those sounds can only mean the return of Masterchef Goes Large.
Murderous on Mondays
I Don't Like Mondays (C4); Gay Muslims (C4): BOB Geldof and the Boomtown Rats had a number one hit in 30 countries with their single I Don't Like Mondays.
A Romantic feast for the senses
The Romantics (BBC2): The Virgin Queen (BBC1): HERE'S the latest incarnation of Doctor Who speaking the words of French philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau. And David Threlfall, who plays drunk and dishevelled Frank Gallagher in Shameless, reciting the work of British poet William Wordsworth.
Check in to the fantasy hotel
Hotel Babylon (BBC1); Tony Blair Rock Star (C4); Eleventh Hour (ITV1): HOTEL Babylon is Crossroads with a bigger budget and scenery that doesn't wobble.
A fashion faux pas for dead Rex
Desperate Housewives (C4); Natural World: Portillo Goes Wild In Spain (BBC2): BREE was determined to remain calm and composed over the inconvenient matter of husband Rex's death as Desperate Housewives returned.
Ice or death decisions
Midsomer Murders (ITV1); Dancing On Ice (ITV1); Gideon's Daughter (BBC1): THE good folk of Midsomer Barton were celebrating Oak Apple Week in the traditional way - a fete on the village green, the crowning of a carnival queen and a corpse lying face down in the stream.
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