When Tibbles goes to heaven

Dave is a tough guy, he's seen the world and - working in the police force - enough death and destruction to harden any man. In fact, when his mother dies, he takes it on the chin. She's elderly and the death isn't unexpected, so the eyes remain dry, the dignity intact. But when Dave's dog dies, he weeps like a baby.

It's the perfect example of the special relationship which exists between people and their pets. The dog isn't described as man's best friend for nothing.

Yet it's something pet owners too often feel embarrassed about, shame-faced, society passing the death off with a shrug and 'it's only a pet'.

The reality is different. Animals quickly become members of the family and the love shown to them can often equal that given to a child. Dave's Doberman was ten when he died and his loyalty was unsurpassed.

The death was a real blow to the whole family and the sight, sound and smell of the dog was bitterly missed by all.

"Many of the letters I receive from people start 'you may think I am silly grieving over an animal'," says Olwen Parker, who since 1989 has offered bereavement counselling for those who lose a pet.

"When I started this I thought it would be for old ladies, but I have had letters from men, women and kiddies. I have had 2,000 letters and I tell them their feelings are perfectly normal, they share your life for such a long time."

Olwen trained as a bereavement counsellor and, as a life-long pet lover, decided to turn her talents to the animal world. "It's a sad fact that pets have a shorter life span than our own and often people are left devastated at the death of a loved companion," she says.

The correspondence counselling service, Faithfully Yours, now offers a shoulder to cry on. "Even people who have lost a pet rat or pig find it difficult. If it has been a pet, and given them comfort they will miss it."

Olwen, of Billingham, says she is surprised by how many men write to her. In a region renowned for its machismo, the men are reluctant to share their feelings with friends and family for fear of ridicule.

"They don't believe it is macho to show grief over the loss of a pet, but they can pour out their feelings to someone they would never be likely to meet face to face," she says. "I have had letters from Americans, but it seems easier for them to express their feelings. It's not terribly British.

"Often when a pet dies, the owner feels guilty that they can feel more upset than when a member of their family dies. But it often brings out all sorts of feelings, sometimes about other bereavements they have suffered. It can 'top up' their bereavement. It's strange, it's often the second which brings out the feelings of the first."

Losing a pet can be very hard for children and their parents. For youngsters, it's often the first experience of death. Some become very upset, especially if their grief isn't taken seriously by their parents. In another case, the parents were upset because their child appeared not to be and they thought he was callous. He also wanted to dig the animal up to see what had happened to it."

Society underestimates the amount of time it takes to get over the death of a pet. "It's harder than you think to get through the grieving process," says Olwen. "If a pet lives with you 14 years, you are not going to be over its death in three weeks. It's like family and you wouldn't expect to get over their deaths as quickly. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes one partner will not talk about it while the other wants to. I provide the shoulder." Olwen also likes to send people poems and passages to comfort the pet owners. It may bring forth the tears but people have told her they feel better for it.

Many people also send her photographs of their animals which she has used to start a memorial album. "If they want their pets to be remembered, I will put them in there," she says.

Some only write once; others maintain the correspondence and become friends.

"It can be very rewarding for me and I've made a lot of interesting friends. Quite often people bring up a lot of other problems as well. It's like being an agony aunt and I will continue to write as long as the person wishes to do so."

Faithfully Yours is a free correspondence service for people whose pet dies. Contact Olwen Parker at 15 St Oswald's Crescent, Billingham, Cleveland, TS23 2RW. Please include SAE.